Top 10 Reasons the Media Won't Cover My Campaign

After seeing what does get press (i.e. Mark Foley), I've decided to do a Top 10 List of reasons why the media isn't covering my campaign:

10. I haven't been caught sending racy e-mails to 16-year-old boys.

9. My wife hasn't gotten any speeding tickets.

8. The FBI is not investigating me for wiretapping my wife's phone.

7. I have never had a government employee chauffeur my wife around.

6. I haven't received hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign contributions from special interests.

5. I have never funneled campaign contributions to family members.

4. I did not dodge the draft.

3. I've never been caught at a frat party.

2. I've never described my opponent, Mike McNulty, as a pair of legs or a pretty face.

and

#1: I did not have sex with that woman, Miss [Monica] Lewinsky.


I was thinking of having a campaign event at my house - a keg party for college students (including those under 21), with strippers. But I don't think my wife would let me do that. :-)

For those who are not paying attention (or reading this at a much later date), here's a key to the list above:
#10: Congressman Mark Foley recently left Congress after being exposed for sending inappropriate e-mails and text messages to 16-year-old congressional pages.
9: Senate candidate Jeanine Pirro's husband has gotten a few tickets.
8: Pirro again.
7. NY Comptroller Alan Hevesi
6. Various politicians, but I was thinking of John Sweeney, Kirsten Gillibrand in the 20th district, and my opponent, Mike McNulty in the 21st district.
5. McNulty and Sweeney have both funneled campaign money to family (McNulty's brother and Sweeney's wife).
4. I had to get a George W. Bush jab in there, though it applies to Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton too.
3. Sweeney again.
2. And Sweeney yet again - he's such an easy target.
1. C'mon, that one's timeless.